Debunking Lies the Church Told Me | Your Highest Purpose is to be A Wife and Mother
- nolesserlife
- Apr 16
- 8 min read
Updated: May 5
My Story
During the course of my marriage I felt like I was always fighting to retain the "me-ness" of me. I was always fighting to become a better version of myself. Which, through years of therapy, I found out was actually true. I was always fighting for myself, because abusers never want you to develop or become a better you, mostly because they hate you, but also because people who feel good about themselves are harder to manipulate and control than those who are beat down and hate who they are.
I think I was probably born ambitious, but even if I wasn't, being the only child of an ambitious mother was sure to rub off. Education was very important to my mom, so she pushed me hard in school and I did well. I joined the Army right out of high school because I really did need to get away from home and my domineering mom, but when I returned three years later, I enrolled in college within six months of being back home.
I met my ex while in college and I had always wanted to own my own business so I shared with him my dreams of entrepreneurship and one day establishing a nonprofit organization of my own. I didn't realize until a few years after we were married that his plan was to ensure that I never achieved any of my entrepreneurial dreams. I remember yelling at him once that "I didn't realize getting married meant I was supposed to give up all my hopes and dreams," and his blank stare back at me, as though I was nuts for not realizing it. No matter what I wanted to attempt he was never on board, it was always a bad idea, I wasn't good at it, or it would take too much time away from him and the kids.
I also realized that even if I didn't have a business and just got a job, I wasn't supposed to like it or be good at it. It was supposed to be a dead end position where I earned less money than him, and had no real opportunity to advance. And when I was promoted, it was always a problem. There was always an argument about something shortly afterward, or he was angry and sullen for no reason that I could see as I hadn't done anything to him.
When I was promoted to chief operating officer at a local nonprofit where I was working, we were fourteen years into the marriage and although I still hadn't realized that what was happening to me was abuse (that realization came the following year) I knew that I would not be celebrated. His reaction to previous raises and promotions had proven that. So I took myself out to dinner at a local steakhouse and congratulated myself and enjoyed the few hours before I had to deal with the jealousy and emotional firestorm that I knew he would kick off as "payback" for me being rewarded for being competent and working hard.
What I came to understand was that in his mind, my only purpose in life should be to serve him and by extension the children, but only so that through serving them I wouldn't have time to do anything, or build anything else. To that end he worked hard to undermine all of my efforts to teach them how to cook, clean, do laundry, get jobs, you name it, in the hopes that the less they did for themselves, the more I would have to do for them, even as they entered their late teens.
As with so many other things in my marriage, the Church undergirded this idea that I should be primarily available to my husband and children to the exclusion of all else, an idea that is not borne out in scripture at all.
Is Every Woman's HIGHEST Purpose to be a Wife and Mother?
Since scripture interprets itself, in order to gain a clear picture of a woman's purpose and value in the kingdom of God we really must study the roles of women in all of scripture, not just a few select verses, and not through a lens that is skewed toward patriarchal or misogynistic ideologies.
In Matthew 19:11-12 (NKJV), after His teaching on marriage (and divorce) Jesus instructs His disciples that, "All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it."
So we see that not all men are expected to be husbands and fathers, to be fruitful and multiply in the natural sense, but that some men, if they can accept it, have been given the gift of celibacy for the kingdom of heaven's sake. Some might argue that God's command in Genesis 1:28 to "be fruitful and multiply" pertains to every man and woman who ever lived and I would agree, but the nature of fruitfulness and multiplication is clearly not only physical or Christ would have sinned by not becoming a husband and father in the natural sense, and we know that He had no sin, so this verse must have a greater, more expansive meaning than that.
In John 12:23-24 (NKJV) Jesus says, “The hour has come that the Son of Man should be glorified. Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain." Here is it is clear that Jesus is the grain of wheat that must die, and that His death will produce much grain, the harvest of saved souls He lived and died to make atonement for. Thereby being fruitful and multiplying in the way that the Father pre-ordained for Him to do so.
Paul follows up on Christ's teaching in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 (NIV) where he writes, "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."
If it were every woman's God-ordained purpose to become a wife and mother then Paul would have expressed no such sentiment.
In 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 (NIV) he goes on to say, “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”
So it is clear that for some women it is God's plan that they become wives and mothers, which was the case in my own life, although things went awry because I married in disobedience to the Lord. For others, the plan is that they become wives, but not mothers and for still others to remain unmarried and devoted to the Lord unencumbered by the demands of family life. I use the word plan here and not purpose because if at any point the marriage relationship is severed by death or divorce, the woman does not suddenly become purposeless in the kingdom and to think so is silly. God gives us purpose at every stage of life, until we complete our course and go to be with Him.
Each of us is given specific roles in life according to her purpose in God and no church or pastor should ever try to make marriage or motherhood an all consuming mandate for any Christ-following woman outside of God's plan for her. We are not meant to be only wives and mothers to the exclusion of all other roles we might take on in the kingdom.
Scripture References for Study & Reflection
(Amplified version recommended for study)
Women as Worshipers & Seekers of God
Luke 10:38–42 – Mary of Bethany sits at Jesus’ feet as a disciple
John 4:7–30 – Samaritan woman engages in theological dialogue with Jesus
Psalm 68:11 – “The Lord gives the word; the women who announce the news are a great host”
Women as Learners & Disciples
Acts 17:11–12 – Women among those who examined the Scriptures
2 Timothy 3:14–15 – Timothy taught from childhood by his mother and grandmother
Luke 8:1–3 – Women traveled with Jesus as part of His ministry circle
Women as Evangelists / Witnesses
John 20:17–18 – Mary Magdalene sent to announce the resurrection
Matthew 28:7–10 – Women commissioned to tell the disciples
John 4:39 – Samaritan woman leads many to believe
Luke 2:36–38 – Anna speaks about Jesus to all who were waiting
Women as Leaders (Civil, Spiritual)
Judges 4–5 – Deborah: prophetess, judge, and national leader
2 Kings 22:14–20 – Huldah: prophetess consulted by the king
Romans 16:1–2 – Phoebe: deacon (servant/minister) and patron
Romans 16:3–5 – Priscilla: ministry leader alongside her husband
Women as Prophets / Spirit-Filled Ministers
Exodus 15:20 – Miriam: prophetess
Judges 4:4 – Deborah: prophetess
2 Kings 22:14 – Huldah: prophetess
Luke 2:36 – Anna: prophetess
Acts 21:8–9 – Philip’s four daughters who prophesied
Acts 2:17–18 – Sons and daughters will prophesy
Women as Teachers
Acts 18:24-26 – Aquila and Priscilla instruct Apollos
Titus 2:3–5 – Older women teaching younger women
2 Timothy 1:5 – Lois and Eunice teaching Timothy
Women as Business Owners / Providers / Patrons
Acts 16:14–15 – Lydia: dealer in purple cloth, hosts a church
Proverbs 31:10–31 – Woman engaged in trade, investment, and management
Luke 8:3 – Women financially support Jesus’ ministry
Romans 16:2 – Phoebe as a benefactor/patron
Women as Hosts of Churches / Ministry Spaces
Acts 16:40 – Church meets in Lydia’s house
Colossians 4:15 – Nympha hosts a church in her home
Romans 16:5 – House church hosted by Priscilla and Aquila
Women as Judges / Deliverers / Agents of Justice
Judges 4:4–9 – Deborah judging Israel
Judges 5:24–27 – Jael delivers Israel by killing Sisera
Women as Queens / Influencers in Government
Esther 2–9 – Queen Esther
1 Kings 10:1–13 – Queen of Sheba seeks wisdom
Women as Partners in Ministry
Romans 16:6, 12 – Mary, Tryphena and Tryphosa “worked hard in the Lord”
Philippians 4:2–3 – Euodia and Syntyche labored with Paul in the gospel
Romans 16 (whole chapter) – Extensive list of female co-laborers
Women as Protectors & Rescuers
Exodus 1:15–21 – Hebrew midwives defy Pharaoh
Exodus 2:1–10 – Moses saved by his mother and Pharaoh’s daughter
1 Samuel 25 – Abigail prevents bloodshed through wisdom
Women as Worship Leaders / Artists
Exodus 15:20–21 – Miriam leads worship
1 Samuel 18:6–7 – Women celebrate in song
Psalm 68:25 – Women musicians in procession
Women as Intercessors / Prayer Leaders
1 Samuel 1:9–20 – Hannah prays and receives Samuel
Luke 2:36–37 – Anna devoted to fasting and prayer
Acts 1:14 – Women among those praying before Pentecost
Women as Spiritual Mothers
Romans 16:13 - The mother of Rufus a spiritual mother to Paul
John 19:26-27 - Jesus establishes a spiritual mother-son relationship between his mother Mary and the apostle John
Mark 10:29-30 - Jesus promises spiritual family members for those who give up natural familial relationships for His sake and the gospel's sake
Women as Single, Widowed, or Independent Servants of God
1 Corinthians 7:34 – Unmarried woman devoted to the Lord
Luke 2:36–37 – Anna, a widow serving in the temple
Acts 9:36 – Tabitha (Dorcas), known for good works
Women as Builders & Contributors to Community
Nehemiah 3:12 – Daughters helping rebuild Jerusalem
Proverbs 31:20 – She extends her hands to the poor
Ruth 1–4 – Ruth as a loyal contributor to covenant community
That’s all for today sisters and survivors. I’m here to remind you that you were bought with a price, paid for by Christ, so choose to live no lesser life than the one God put inside you.
If you'd like to have your story of healing shared in an upcoming blog post, please click here to submit your story. Let me know your thoughts in the comments and stay safe and sane in the Lord until next time!
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