Becoming Ezer Kenegdo | Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say
- nolesserlife
- May 17
- 12 min read
My Story
Part of my healing journey was realizing that the way that I had been socialized greatly contributed to the issues in my marriage, separate from the abuse. I was trained up to believe things about myself, and being a woman in general, that simply weren't true. This led to a lack of integrity in my dealings with my husband, before and during our marriage, and within myself as a person, who was supposed to be living in the Truth of the Gospel.
I want to preface the next segment by stating that my actions did not cause my ex to abuse me. Abuse is a choice a person makes for themselves, you cannot make someone abuse you. Even people with mental illnesses and personality disorders, choose abuse. It is not inherent to any mental health condition.
But my beliefs and behaviors would have caused problems in a relationship with a non-abusive man, because they were foundational integrity issues. It is from that perspective that I write.
To start with, in the year that we dated before getting married, I was constantly sending mixed signals and contradictory messages. I would say I didn't want to go out with him and then agree to do so. And then back out at the last minute. I would tell him that he wasn't what I envisioned my husband would be and that we could be friends, and then go out on dates with him, and spend hours and hours speaking with him and having inappropriately intimate (non-sexual) conversations.
I was double-minded and unstable in all my ways because I had not learned how to let my "yes", be "yes" and my "no", be "no". With only two years in the faith, I was busy learning about the character and nature of God, not how to date someone and become a Christian wife. I had not learned what life as an unmarried person should look like, what boundaries I should have around my time, and most importantly, my God-ordained purpose and identity as a woman.
In the churches I attended, there was no teaching or consistent guidance, or structure as to what courtship should look like as a young, independent adult. I now realize that even as a twenty-four-year-old woman, I needed way more accountability in my dating life than I actually had at that time. I hadn't had very many boyfriends or even dated much between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four, and what I knew of romantic relationships was very limited and seen through a warped lens.
Though I wasn't chomping at the bit for a romantic relationship, marital or otherwise, I had made a short list of criteria that I wanted him to meet. Though, looking back, I can see that they were pretty shallow and based mostly on wanting to avoid past hurts. They were not qualities that described the maturity that I would want in a life partner, and for the future father of my children. I had a (foolishly pollyannaish) picture of what a Christian marriage should look like in my head, but even if that ideal could be made a reality, (it could not) I had no clue how to make it so.
After falling into my pre-salvation pattern of sex outside of wedlock for a few months, ridden with guilt and feeling like a complete failure in the faith, I broke it off and then discovered after a couple of weeks that I was pregnant. I let him know, and he expressed that he still wanted to marry me and so we set a wedding date. Following the same pattern of double-mindedness and lack of integrity, I had said "yes", when I really meant "no". So again, I agreed, then called it off and stopped taking his calls so I could have some time to think and get some clarity. At which point he started calling all of my family and friends to get them on board to convince me to set a new date and move forward with the marriage.
Now, just in case you can't see it, I want to call out that we were both following a script in our dealings with each other. He was the hunter and I was the prey. My role was to run away, and his role was to pursue until he obtained his "prize". Does that sound familiar to you?
Doesn't this world system teach us as women to conduct ourselves as though we are a prize to be won? To be coy, beguiling and manipulative? Even as believers who claim to be Christ-followers, the majority of women in the Church subscribe to this sort of ungodly behavior in their romantic relationships.
Below, I give a brief analysis of four Hollywood movies spanning different decades that illustrate my point, and highlight how media both reflects and influences culture (which should NOT be the Church's standard by the way).
I have to be honest, watching this scene from Claudine (1974) via YouTube (start at 4:53), made me cringe a few times. I really couldn't figure out why anyone watching in today's world would think it's a great story. The actors are wonderful, they conveyed the characters accurately and realistically, my gripe is with the storyline.
Some of the choices these characters make are understandable due to poverty and racism, but a lot of what occurs is based on patriarchal and misogynistic attitudes, the systems that are built as a result of those attitudes, and how women and children become collateral damage in the fallout.
Diahann Carroll's character, Claudine, is clearly interested in James Earl Jones's character, Roop. In the scene, she goes out to the driveway to meet him, with some grapefruit peels to add to the trash he's picking up. But when he asks her out on a date, she says "no". He asks if she wants him to 'beg' her and calls her 'baby'.
Ew! Um, no, no sir, I don't want you to beg me and I'm not your baby. You don't even know my name. Of course Claudine doesn't respond that way.
She laughs. She seems to enjoy the flirtation, but isn't ready for anything more. No harm, no foul. Except that Roop feels he needs to coerce her by blackmailing her. He threatens to turn her in to the welfare office because she's working and he suspects, correctly, that she isn't reporting her wages. The legality of her actions aside, she has six children to support, so his threat is not one that could be taken lightly.
Their conversation is briefly interrupted, but we see that the threat accomplishes his goal, because she runs after the garbage truck to tell him that she accepts the date. Throughout the movie, we see this pattern of him "hunting" her. No matter what she objects to or how often, no matter how tired or overwhelmed she is, his concern is only getting her to do what he wants by any means necessary.
On her end, she allows herself to be swept along and used by him in the hope that he will stay with her and become someone she, and her children, can lean on, although he never gives any indication that he will ever be that person for her or her kids. It's a terrible dynamic. By the end of the movie I was left thinking that she would have been so much better off if she had just stuck to her guns and her "no".
In this scene from Frankie and Johnny (1991) via YouTube, Al Pacino's character, Johnny, who has recently been released from prison, finds work at the diner where Michelle Pfeiffer's character, Frankie, works. In short order he decides that he's "in love" with her and begins to pursue her relentlessly.
No matter how often she says "no" and expresses disinterest in a romantic relationship of any kind with anyone, he ignores her wishes. In the clip, he has crashed her bowling night to tell her he loves her and wants to marry her and have a bunch of kids, nevermind that he already has children that he doesn't see. He follows her into the restroom when she walks away to gather herself. The scene is meant to have some comedic moments, but what's funny about a man consistently stalking and badgering a woman who has repeatedly said she's not interested?
Of course in the end, they get together, because he has "persisted". The messaging to men is clear- even if a woman says "no" repeatedly, you should stomp all over her "no" because eventually, if you keep at her, she will say "yes". She may be crying, stressed out and emotionally worn out when she does, but it's still a "yes".
The messaging to women is clear as well- you can say "no", but you may not be taken seriously, and really you should be flattered if a man is coming after you like you're some animal to be hunted and not a fully autonomous being whose words should be respected.
This messaging, though usually subliminal, is constant across all kinds of media and in our every day conversations. I think it is part of what makes many women so conflicted about sticking to our "no" even when we express it multiple times.
The opening scene of The Break-Up (2006) via YouTube, is set at a baseball game, and this clip shows Vince Vaughn's character, Gary, noticing Jennifer Anniston's character, Brooke, sitting a few seats over from him.
He decides to get her attention, clearly on a whim and with no thought or respect for anyone around him, especially her. He makes a big show of buying a bunch of hotdogs and offering her one, which she declines as she's on a date with someone else, but due to his obnoxiousness she reverses her decision and accepts it. After the game, he waits for her date to pass by him, then steps in front of her so she can't pass.
He starts saying all kinds of things that are invasive, nosy and obnoxious, to mentally overwhelm her as she keeps making attempts to get around him (and see where her date disappeared to).
But in real life, this is not funny. It's threatening. This guy is not a small guy, he's at least a foot taller than her. He's talking fast, he's saying wild things and her date has abandoned her. But she's still saying "no". Of course eventually she says "yes", because there wouldn't be a break-up otherwise, but again the messaging is clear- it's okay to embarrass, badger and physically prevent a woman from moving away from you - with the intent to coerce her to change her "no" to a "yes". By any means necessary. It's all good, and she should be flattered.
The Notebook (2004) via YouTube, probably depicts the dynamic between controlling men, and the double-minded women they pursue, the most accurately. The male protagonist, Noah, played by Ryan Gosling is pursuing Allie, the female protagonist, played by Rachel McAdams. He sees her at a carnival with friends and decides he's gotta have "it". That's what he tells her in a later scene. Indicating that she's not a person, but a beautiful, shiny object he wants to acquire.
He climbs up a Ferris wheel and hops into the seat between her and the young man she's riding with, then proceeds to make a manipulative threat to coerce her into going on a date with him, by climbing out on one of the Ferris wheel spokes and hanging there by one hand.
Her response to his antics is equally immature - while he's hanging there she unbuckles his belt and his pants fall to his ankles, exposing his boxers. After these shenanigans he sees her on the street and tries to make good on the date that he coerced her into, stating that he can be "anything she wants".
Another cringe moment. Um, excuse me sir? What in the love bombing heck? How is this something that anyone would want? A chameleon of a man who changes who he is, based on my whim? No thank you. But it does call into question what he wants from her. Does he expect the same? That she will contort herself into anything he wants?
She calls him "dumb", which is unnecessarily rude (just let your "no" be "no", as Jesus said, anything more than this is from the evil one). She declines, again, but when he asks what he can do to change her mind, again she plays into the 'chase', by saying, "Guess you'll figure something out," instead of, "There's nothing you can do."
Even as a woman, I would take her statement to mean, "Keep pursuing me and maybe I'll change my mind." Later, they have a double date with friends and go for a walk where she explains to him her schedule which consists of lots of different lessons in preparation for college. He negs her by making comments about her parent's involvement in her choices and infers that she's not "free" like he thought she was, which makes her defensive.
The whole tone of the movie is fraught with this toxic dynamic between the two of them, with her parents disapproval added in for good measure. It's sold as 'romance' but it's really just an immature boy who won't take "no" for an answer and an immature girl who can't stick to her "no" and wants to embarrass the boy for presuming upon her. And out of this comes a life long love? Gimme a break!
*Ezer Kenegdo – According to Genesis 2:18 and 2:20 women were designed as rescuers or deliverers of military strength who are the counterparts, who stand face to face with men. We have the same purpose as they do, just in a different body. God created both men and women His image and blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth, and subjugate it [putting it under your power]; and rule over (dominate) the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and every living thing that moves upon the earth.” The woman was given co-dominion with the man and she was given this charge BEFORE she became Adam's wife.
Let Your "Yes" be "Yes" and Your "No", "No"
One of the greatest examples of a lack of integrity that I found in myself and other women, Christian or not, is that we allow our "no" to be trampled by pretty much anyone, but especially men, and particularly husbands. This is in large part due to the indoctrination we receive from childhood - that we should say "yes", when we really mean "no", and "no", when we really mean "yes".
I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge, right off the bat, that women, far more often than men, find themselves in situations where their safety is literally in danger if they don't say yes, and where real harm could come to them or their children if they don't acquiesce to whomever is threatening them. This post is not about those situations. You do what you must to survive the moment, and you do all you can to get to safety, and away from anyone who is forcing you to lie, in order to live. If you think God is opposed to all deception refer to these verses for context (Joshua 2, Exodus 1 & 2, 1 Samuel 19 & 20, 2 Kings 11, Genesis 27).
We are encouraged to believe that coyness is feminine and desirable. We are taught to rebuff a man's first advances to date us, even if we are genuinely interested in him, because if he doesn't have to chase you, then he won't appreciate you and feel like he's 'won a prize' when you finally consent to have him in your orbit.
This toxic soup of mixed signals creates deep confusion in boys, who become men, who believe that all women say "no" when they really mean "yes". It teaches them that if they are aggressive and relentless enough, then the woman will say "yes" eventually. And as we are seeing in our society more and more, this belief makes males of all ages angry when they meet a girl or a woman who is sincere in her "no", because he's been conditioned, or brainwashed if you will, not just by other men, but also by other women, to believe that she doesn't mean it. Not all women do this of course, but far too many do. If you've been guilty of this behavior in the past, as a woman of God, you have an obligation to refuse to engage in it any longer.
It's time that we call this behavior out for what it is - a lack of integrity. It's dishonesty plain and simple. As we move toward healing and wholeness it is important that we fully become citizens of His kingdom, eschewing the mindsets and mores of this present world, so that we can live our lives empowered by the Spirit of God, and accomplish all that He created us for.
You were meant for co-dominion, you were born for strength and honor. As a woman of valor, say what you mean, mean what you say, and trust God to protect and guide you as you seek to live with courage and integrity.
Scripture References for Study & Reflection
Matthew 5:37 (AMP) – "But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’ [a firm yes or no]; anything more than that comes from the evil one."
Romans 12:2 (NIV) – Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.
Colossians 3:9-10 (NKJV) – "Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds, and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him..."
Titus 2:11-14 (NKJV) – For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself His own special people, zealous for good works.
That’s all for today sisters and survivors. I’m here to remind you that you were bought with a price, paid for by Christ, so choose to live no lesser life than the one God put inside you.
If you'd like to have your story of healing shared in an upcoming blog post, please click here to submit your story. Let me know your thoughts in the comments and stay safe and sane in the Lord until next time!
Comments